Living the Single Life, Part 1
By Jeff Cranston
Sometimes it seems that there’s a wall that divides married people and single people. Marrieds don’t know how to relate to life on the other side of that wall. Singles feel that married people think less of them because they’re on the “wrong” side of the wall.
There are unique challenges that come with being married, and there are unique challenges that come with being single. So, I would like to evaluate some myths about marriage and singleness that most of us—single and married—accept without thinking. Let’s jump in …
Myth: Marriage is the only God-ordained lifestyle.
In other words, given the choice between singleness and marriage, God prefers marriage. Even many single folks believe this. Where does this idea come from? It comes partly from the story of creation where God says it’s not good for the man to be alone, and so He creates for him a partner, a wife. It also comes partly from verses in the Bible like ... “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22, NASB)
When you put these parts together, you get the impression that marriage is pretty important in God’s sight. And it is! But to say that God wants everyone to eventually fall in love and be married means that somehow those who don’t are a little less “approved” in the sight of God. And that just doesn’t square with the facts. If marriage is the divinely ordained way to live, then why wasn’t Jesus married? Why wasn’t the greatest influencer for Christ to ever walk the face of the earth—the apostle Paul—married?
Truth: For some people, singleness is the God-ordained lifestyle, because singleness allows for undivided devotion to God.
God likes it that some people are single! God wants them to be unmarried. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 (NIV), the apostle Paul describes this as a special blessing and ability given by God: “However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.”
What a switch! It almost sounds like the really special ones in God’s sight are those who aren’t married! In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 (CEV), Paul goes on to say:
“I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.”
A single person has a potentially huge advantage over a married person. And I think it’s time for single people to hold your heads up high and say, “I have a special gift from God that married people don’t have.”
Myth: The grass is greener on the other side of the matrimonial fence.
This myth, again, is one that both marrieds and singles believe. Each crowd has their own version of it. Here’s how the singles version goes: “Married life would be so much easier than single life. I would have help with the chores. I wouldn’t have to carry the burdens all by myself. Finances would be better, I’d have someone to talk to, and I wouldn’t have to go places all alone.” The grass looks so much greener on the married side of the fence.
What they don’t know is that a lot of the folks on the married side are looking over on their side and saying: “The single life sure looks easier than married life. There’s a lot more freedom. You control every aspect of your life from the hours you keep to what you eat to where your money goes. You even control the temperature of the house. There’s much less stress at home. It’s a lot more peaceful.”
At this point, many folks decide to bust through to the other side no matter what the cost. Married folks walk out of their marriage, convinced that life will only improve by doing so. Single folks close their eyes to the fact that no spouse is better than the wrong spouse and marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
And when they get to the other side, they discover:
Truth: Life is good and bad, no matter which side you are on!
The singles who jumped for the wrong reason discover that you have to nag to get help with the chores, that whoever said two could live cheaper than one was smoking something, that having someone to talk to doesn’t necessarily mean they’re listening, and that you still go places all alone because your spouse needs their space.
The married folks find out that with all that freedom comes a lack of accountability and the tendency to get into trouble because there’s no one there to keep you on target. They discover that controlling every aspect of your life from the hours you keep to what you eat to where your money goes to the temperature of the house can make you into a very self-centered person.
People who change sides of the fence usually discover that grass looks about as green or brown as it did on the other side of the fence. That’s what Paul was saying in 1 Corinthians 7:27-28 (NCV): “If you have a wife, do not try to become free from her. If you are not married, do not try to find a wife. But if you decide to marry, you have not sinned. And if a girl who has never married decides to marry, she has not sinned. But those who marry will have trouble in this life, and I want you to be free from trouble.” The point is whether you’re married or single, don’t be in a hurry to swap sides.
In Part 2 of this blog post, we will take a look at two more myths about being single or married.
Jeff Cranston is the lead pastor of Lowcountry Community Church in Bluffton, S.C.
