Living the Single Life, Part 2
By Jeff Cranston
Does it ever feel like to you that there is a wall between single people and married people? In Part 1 of this blog post, we learned that there are unique circumstances for both single and married people, and we dispelled some myths about being single or married. In Part 2, we will take a look at two more myths that most of us accept without thinking about it.
Myth: My Life + Someone Else = Happiness
Singles are sometimes tempted to believe if they could just get the right someone else in their life, they’d be happy. Married people are tempted to believe this, too. For them, the someone else is someone else besides the person to whom they’re married. If they had a different someone else, then they’d be happy.
Truth: Contentment does not depend on someone else.
Contentment is an internal quality. So, much so that I can tell you flat out that if you are single and unhappy, you will be married and twice as unhappy. If you are married and discontent, you’ll be divorced and discontent or remarried and discontent.
So many people spend so much effort to get what they believe to be the right externals—the right wife with the right body, the right husband with the right salary—and wind up miserable. Why? Because they’re looking in the wrong place for contentment. So, where is contentment to be found? In Philippians 4:11-13 (NASB), the apostle Paul writes:
“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Paul is saying that contentment comes from knowing that Christ will help you in every situation, whether that situation is rich or poor, satiated or hungry, having it all or having nothing, married or unmarried. Place your trust in Jesus and rely on Him. Contentment tells us that He has your best interest at heart.
The secret to accomplishing God’s plan for you are these verses from Philippians. It’s letting Jesus live His life through you, letting Him give you the strength you need one day at a time. And when that happens, you’ll experience peace and contentment.
Myth: Singleness produces loneliness, while marriage produces intimacy.
Another way to say it is: “If you’re alone, you must be lonely. If you have a spouse, you must not be.” But this myth, like the others, just isn’t true. While there are many lonely single people, there are quite a few who aren’t lonely. And while every married person has a partner, there are many lonely married people. Why? That question leads us to our final truth point:
Truth: Being alone is not what produces loneliness; a lack of intimacy does. Our deepest intimacy needs can only be met in a relationship with Christ.
Intimacy means knowing what’s there and accepting what’s there when all the covering—whether it’s physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual—is stripped away.
Without that kind of unconditional acceptance, the inevitable result is loneliness. Listen to what Mother Teresa once said: “The biggest disease today is not leprosy or cancer. It is the feeling of being uncared for, unwanted—of being deserted and alone.”
Even though God knows what is there when all the covering is stripped away off of you, Jesus cares for you, He wants you and He loves you. Nobody knows you as He does. The Bible says, “... be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Heb. 13:5, NIV)
You’ll never be deserted.
Let me make two closing comments to those of you who are single.
Start living right now. God doesn’t have a star next to your wedding day as the day your life will begin. Don’t wait to live the life that’s right in front of you. Start living right now. Celebrate your singleness, whether it is temporary or permanent, and live a life of undivided devotion to the Lord. One single put it this way: “I need to stop asking, ‘Why am I alone?’ and start asking, ‘Why am I here?’”
Unfortunately, a lot of emphasis today is on how to help singles cope with their situation or how to rope in a spouse. The Bible teaches that each of us, no matter if we’re married or not, needs to live each day to its fullest—our task is not to just survive but to thrive. We’re not to just “put in our time” but to make the “most of our time.” Because the Bible clearly tells us, the “world in its present form is passing away.”
Use your singleness as a way to serve.
You may be tempted to think you can just do what you want until you “settle down” and get married. Don’t use your singleness as an excuse for slothfulness. Instead, use your gifts and abilities and time to bring glory to God and to serve others because the time is short. Single men and women, you have no reason whatsoever to be ashamed about this season of your life. It’s my prayer that you will become wholly satisfied in your singleness.
Jeff Cranston is the lead pastor of LowCountry Community Church in Bluffton, S.C.