By Jeff Cranston

It doesn’t matter who you are or how great your romance is, at some point in your relationship, you will get into an argument. When this happens, healthy couples work toward resolution while unhealthy couples fight for victory. The problem is, if one person wins, then they both actually lose. So how can you resolve your conflict and win together?

Read Song of Solomon 5. This is a story about two love birds: King Solomon and his bride, a Shulamite woman. As the story opens, the young Shulamite woman is restless because Solomon is not home. She’s half awake and half asleep when Solomon, wanting some romance, knocks on her door. At first, she rebuffs him, so Solomon put his hand through an opening in the door, and put liquid myrrh, a romantic fragrance, on the bolt of the door and walks away. When she sees his gesture, she changes her mind. But when she opens the door, Solomon’s gone. Upset, she goes out looking for him.

In this story, there are two root causes of conflict:

• Unmet expectations. In marriage, unmet expectations can happen in any number of different ways. For instance, a wife who is two weeks into marriage is thinking, “Dad fixed everything, and Dad took the trash out, and Dad paid the bills. And this dude I just married doesn’t know how to fix anything, and he doesn’t want to take the trash out, and he’s looking at me to pay the bills!”
  Or the husband is thinking, “Well, Mom cooked all the time, and we’re doing take-out again? I thought you were going to do this! How are we supposed to work through this?”

  I don’t know how it will hit you, but it could be at a much deeper level. You may be thinking, “This isn’t what I thought marriage was going to be.”

• Self-centeredness.  In the story of Solomon and the Shulamite woman, they both are only thinking about their own needs. Neither one of them is thinking about the other person. Selfishness seeps into the relationship, and suddenly there is a problem.

We all need to be on the same side of the table. Don’t fight for victory; fight for resolution. These very simple steps, if applied to your marriage, can be transformative in how you relate to one another, grow toward Christ, and become successful in honoring Him.

1. Choose to act and not react.

Rather than negatively reacting, let the Spirit lead you in a response, which is what Solomon appears to do. He could have gotten mad, but instead, he puts a little bit of myrrh on the doorknob and says, “Here’s an act of love.”

In Romans, 12:21, Paul wrote: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Your relationship is more important than your differences. So, go and do something good in return.

2. Choose to focus on the good and not the bad.

In Philippians 4:8, Paul said, “… Whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

In fact, this is what the Shulamite woman did. Later in chapter 5, she starts to think about Solomon, and she describes all the features of her husband that she likes. She starts to think about all of his good qualities.

3. Choose to talk and not walk.

We’re all going to disagree, but how we disagree will determine the strength of our marriage. Don’t walk away from your spouse. Look for the good. And when you see the good, you’ll fall in love even more.

In the end, Solomon shows back up. They make up. They forgive each other. And, as you read the rest of chapter 5 and on into chapter 6, their relationship goes from good, to not so good, to better.

You may be in a place right now where things aren’t so good. I don’t care how bad it is right now, or how bad it gets one day. If two people are seeking Christ—two seeking One—by His power, He can give you something better than you could ever ask, think or imagine.

Jeff Cranston is the lead pastor of LowCountry Community Church in Bluffton, South Carolina.

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