How to Have 'The Talk' with Your Kids
By Evan Page
I think one thing all parents dread is the thought of having “the talk” with their kids. To be honest, I don’t even remember my parents saying very much at all. The topic of sex has been avoided for so many reasons that we don’t even know how to address it or what to say. If we avoid the subject because it’s uncomfortable, we neglect to acknowledge that it impacts our children and their perspective on sex as a whole. I know I sound crazy, but I’ve been digging into this topic a lot lately. My oldest is only 4 years old. However, I’m learning that I not only play a role in shaping him into a man, but I also shape his perspectives and, ultimately, his actions when it comes to topics such as sex.
The elephant in the room
Yes, the topic of sex can be awkward, but it doesn’t have to be! And even when it is, we don’t have to let our kids know that we’re dying inside. Here are a few tips to help you start conversations with your children about sex:
1. Start Young.
If you want to set the standards for your children, you have to start the conversation. Eventually, our kids will learn about sex, and most likely long before we think they’re ready. But society doesn’t wait. Do we want society to set the standard for our children, or do we want to set the standard for them? Starting talking with our children when they are young helps them think we are the “sex-pert,” so they come to us to ask questions. Note: Give just biological facts when they’re little. No emotions or desires are influencing their thoughts when your children are young.
2. Use anatomically correct words.
Sometimes we cringe at the words we say regarding our anatomy, so much so that we come up with “cute” names that make us feel less awkward or nervous when we are in public. It’s important to know the anatomically correct terms because that is what it is … anatomy. God created us, and He made no mistakes. Avoiding these terms might give the impression that they are “bad,” and we don’t want the overall perception of sex to be shameful. It can also help protect our children against sexual abuse. If we use “cute” terms instead of anatomically correct terms, we could risk the chance that our children won’t receive help because of miscommunication based on incorrect terminology.
3. Begin with small pieces of info at a time.
I heard an example that I thought was great about how much to share: Think about children’s brains like sponges. If we keep dropping bits at a time, things slowly soak in. However, If we were to dump a bucket of water on a sponge, most of it rolls off, and only a small bit sinks in. We don’t have control over how much or what it is that sticks. So, as parents, if we can continually drop age-appropriate bits of information at a time, encouraging the conversation and answering when our children ask, things can slowly sink in.
4. Continue the conversation.
This is important. We need to keep the conversations going. If our kids don’t ask, which at some point they won’t, we can ask them. We can add on to what we previously talked about, and we can readdress something if we felt like we didn’t do a great job answering or explaining something. We become their standard regarding sex versus the kid in class who says you can get pregnant by both people taking a bite of the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’m no expert on this subject—my babies are still little, and I am learning a lot about everything—but as a community, I want to encourage us to take responsibility for more than just keeping our children alive. We need to remember that we shape who they are as human beings, and ultimately, their perceptions of the world around them. I’m committed to doing my best to giving my kids a healthy understanding of sex and how and why God created it.
Evan Page lives in Hilton Head Island with her husband, Stephen, and their three children, Merrick, Wake and Wells. She is currently a stay-at-home mom, and most of her days are filled, trying to capture adventures with her children on camera.