How to Safeguard Your Marriage
By Jeff Cranston
If you were to see an off-ramp sign on the interstate that says, “Do Not Enter” or “Wrong Way” would you resent it or would you appreciate it? If you didn’t know if you were an on-ramp or an off-ramp you would probably appreciate the fact that somebody put up a sign that said, “This is not the way,” right?
In the same way, God has given us the Ten Commandments in His Word as safeguards for our protection. One commandment that doesn’t seemingly garner a lot of attention these days is God’s seventh commandment, which says, “You shall not commit adultery.” Nothing destroys a marriage or a family faster than adultery. So, let’s take a look at how you can safeguard your marriage.
1. God has standards. Commit yourself to them.
Make a commitment to maintain God's standards. That means you agree with God about what He says about sex. God’s standards have never changed. The Bible says that sex is for marriage only—not before marriage and not outside of marriage. Single or married, young or old, this applies to all of us. The Bible asks a question and then answers it. How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to culture? Nope. “By keeping it according to Your word” (Psalm 119:9). God’s standard is very clear in His word. Adultery is never an option; under no circumstances is it okay. Publicly and privately affirm God’s standard.
2. There are potential consequences. Think them through.
Mentally walk yourself through the devastation and destruction that could be caused by your sexual sin. Proverbs 6:32 says, “The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; he who would destroy himself does it.” Nothing damages emotions like sexual sin. Nothing. Sexual sin leaves permanent scars. The shame just doesn't seem to go away. The sense of loss to everyone involved is enormous.
Proverbs 6:26 says, “… adultery may cost you your life.” Don’t sell away your body, your soul, your life for momentary pleasure. The cost of adultery is always higher. Everybody loses. You may think you can get away with it, but you won't. You reap what you sow. One day you will explain to God why you chose to do what He said not to do. “God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery” (Hebrews 13:4b). You don’t get away with it. So, commit to God’s standard and think through the potential and disastrous consequences.
3. Sin begins in the mind. Manage your mind.
People don't just fall into immorality. No one gets up in the morning and thinks, “Today I will destroy my marriage.” It doesn't happen that way. There's a process to not safeguarding your marriage and moving into an adulterous relationship:
Step one: You accept and allow sinful thoughts into your mind. The battle for any temptation in your life begins in your mind. What you think about, you’ll eventually feel; and, what you feel, you’ll eventually act on.
James 1:14-15 says, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”
You become what you think about. If you think about positive, good, happy, loving, kind things, that’s the way you will act. If you think lustful, dirty, trashy, obscene thoughts, that’s the kind of person you will become. It’s impossible not to be affected by what you let into your mind.
The Bible says, “Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22) and “I want you to be wise in what is good and innocent in what is evil.” (Romans 16:19b).
You have to decide that you are going to limit the movies you see; the TV shows you can't watch; the books you can’t read; the websites you can’t visit; the music you shouldn’t listen to; the places you shouldn’t frequent—because they all feed temptation into your mind.
Step 2. Emotional, non-physical involvement.
To assume that all is well between a man and a woman because there is no physical contact is a mistake. By an emotional involvement, I mean that you look to another person other than your spouse for the deep emotional needs that we all have for understanding, support and sympathy. If you are looking to someone other than your spouse for those needs to be met, you are in an emotional affair that can lead you even further into sin. Take this seriously and understand it for what it is. It’s incredibly dangerous, and it can destroy you.
Step three: Physical involvement. Once you’ve crossed that line to where there is physical contact, the pull of the sin is horrendous. To try to break out of a relationship that has crossed the physical boundary will take everything you have with the grace of God to break through. Don't cross the line. The lines God has established are for your protection!
Step four: Rationalizing the adultery. We are great at deceiving ourselves. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. Who can understand it?”-
You can convince yourself that anything is O.K. given the circumstances. Here are some of the rationales and excused I’ve heard over the years from people involved in adulterous relationships:
If only my husband/wife met my needs, I wouldn't be doing this.
We love each other.
God is okay with this.
God will forgive me/us. Or, God loves us no matter what we do. Both of those are true. God will forgive you if you are a Christian and have asked Him to, and He will love you no matter what you do when you have Jesus in your heart. But it is absolute arrogance to presume on the grace of God in this way.
If you've been unfaithful to your mate, there is still hope. You can come to Jesus Christ for cleansing. Adultery does not have to kill a marriage. It is actually like a ship. You bring it into the dry dock, refit it, retrain, repair it and send it back out. Here’s how:
Acknowledge the sin. Psalm 51 was David's prayer when he committed adultery. Stop rationalizing it and call it what God calls it. It’s wrong. It’s sin. It’s not an affair; it’s adultery—that’s what the Bible calls it. God has never changed His standard, and He never will. One day you and I will stand before Him and give our puny excuses for why we did what He said don’t do. Agree with Him now that your sin is sin and ask his forgiveness.
End the relationship immediately. Be it emotional or physical, end it now. Psalm 95:7b-8a says, “Today, if you would hear His voice, do not harden your hearts …” Take action immediately. Don’t delay. End it.
Avoid all contact with that person from now on. You can’t be friends after you’ve been lovers. Do what it takes to end the relationship cold turkey. No more texts, cards, visits, or meetings to explain it (call them on the phone to explain it). If they keep calling you up, hang up. If they keep texting you, block the number. Do whatever it takes—morally, legally and ethically—to end the relationship.
God’s Word gives us the standards to live by. Ask God to help you commit to those standards and manage your mind so that you will glorify Him in marriage and walk in purity.
Jeff Cranston is the lead pastor of LowCountry Community Church in Bluffton, South Carolina.